Wednesday, June 8, 2011


So last week we were sitting down for dinner, eating our bog standard spaghetti and meatballs, on an equally bog standard Wednesday, when my husband alerted me to the fact that his Public Liability Insurance had not been paid and was now overdue. Jack, the 4 year old turned to me and said, “Mum, you know that is just an epic fail right?”  I paused. a) who is teaching this kid the term Epic Fail and b) how does a four year old have me pinned already?

Do I fail at stuff?  Yeah.  Do I fail epically?  Um. Well. Yes. At times I definitely do. 

For instance:

I have failed to monitor my children’s Television intake:  Probably, when you have a four year old who tells his older brother to Dere-lick his balls and that he has the black lung when he coughs, it’s time to take away the Zoolander.  And to stop using the television as a babysitter.

I have failed to pay the bills:  OK, so just because my day job involves looking at other peoples finances doesn’t mean I am the least bit interested in my own.  Ever since we have been together, it has been my job to pay the bills and I have always done this, albeit reluctantly.  Case in point: Recently someone saw Phil’s trailer on the highway, thought it was theirs that had been stolen and called the cops.  Cops turn up, we provide evidence that he legitimately owns it and happy days.  Oh, until they notice the sticker that says it’s out of rego.  Shit. That would be my job.  I was POPULAR that night. Although to be fair, I never once mentioned how insane it was that we only had one toilet between five of us for 3 years even though his day job is to be a plumber.  

I have failed to successfully donate plasma (blood): I’ve donated blood before and I found it no challenge, so when the Blood Bank called me and said I had been identified as a potential Plasma donator, I didn’t hesitate to sign up. Unfortunately my silly body when into “I am dying mode” and I passed out.  Nothing says you’re a loser like being dipped back and fed oxygen in front of a packed waiting room.

I have failed to be a good wife:  Trust me on this. In fact read about my past failures HERE.  I just haven’t been a good one of late. A little bit selfish. A little unkind.  And not particularly appreciative.

I have failed to enrol my child in High School:  So Maddie starts year eight next year.  And she still hasn’t got a high school to actually go to because I’ve been “meaning to” enrol her in one of the three we have chosen.  Our zoned school scares the shit out of me and the other three require a deposit, a whole lot of sucking up and for her to be a potential Olympic gymnast. I’m working on it. 

I have failed to be a good friend:   It is becoming abundantly clear to me that I spend more time speaking to people on line or at work than I do my wonderful, loving best friends.  I read recently one of the five things people regret on their deathbeds (Yeah, yeah, I’ll contribute a coin to the cliché jar in just a sec) is that they lost touch with their friends.  Oddly, no one regrets not spending enough time in the office.  

So above are just a few of my failings of late.  I intend, now that I’ve written them down, to rectify all of these.  I will call my friends more, be nicer to my husband and pay some bills.  And even though he does a bloody good Blue Steel, lay off the Zoolander  

Blue Steel.  Courtesy of far too  many hours watching Zoolander. 

Perhaps you’ve got a few of your own?  No.  Just me then.  Right.  I’ll show myself out.


- elke writes - said...

Hahahah! This is wonderful!!!

P.S you're not a failure to me, if my future child says derelick my balls...I will be so proud.

Denyse said...

Epic Fail. By whose standards?
I think that you are at one of life's crossroads....but fail? Not an option.
You are a tops chick! #just sayin' D xx

Glen said...

Oh I fail at almost everything absolutely.

Ms Styling You said...

Tick, tick, tickety tick. And bugger just realized I forgot electricity that was due today which is technically yesterday.

Penbleth said...

Being human isn't the same as failing. Or it is but it's not the end of everything. You do the important things, as we all try to do.

I'm a rubbish friend, I make no effort to keep up with people so it's not a surprise I have no one outside my family. So, that would be one of my failings.

Mrs Woog said...

Derelick my balls! Best line ever!
Do not worry Bern, I am the same as you xxx

Zoey @ Good Goog said...

I could use some 'epic fail' t-shirts or stickers, just so people are fully aware of what they are dealing with.

Life In A Pink Fibro said...

That photo made me laugh out loud. Love it. Epic Fail Central round here.

Nathalie said...

Woo hoo you are a real mum

Melodramatic Me said...

I feel so relieved...

Troy said...

You're not alone. Not by any stretch :-)

Easy Peasy Kids said...

Love the post, real and raw thats what motherhood is about.

Kylie said...

You have failed at moving to Melbourne. Hurry up and do it already! Then I can become a real life friend, and not one of those pesky time-sucking online ones. ;)

bronnie said...

I think we're only human if we fail sometimes, aren't we? That's my excuse, and I'm sticking with it!

Jennifer Smart said...

I think there's a good chance my husband has been talking to your husband...
Not epic fails, just life.
Jennifer x

River said...

Like you said, now that you've identified your fails, you can get busy rectifying them.
Start with the High School enrolment. Move on to outstanding bills. Everything else can take a bit longer.

Rob Elliott said...

I failed at reading your blog. Kidding:)

ST. MURPHY said...

You're so hot it doesn't matter if you 'epic fail' - trade on your looks honey, trade on your looks! xoxoxo

Annieb25 said...

You and I could be twins. Seriously. xx

Alex said...

I just put my head down in shame...
From upstairs I can hear (from the 3 year old)
"I'm not swearing! You're f*cking swearing!"

I need to stop letting Gordon Ramsey babysit.

Jodie Ansted said...

I'm just glad I'm not the only one.

As for that son of yours...big star one day. HUGE.

Amelia {Weddings, Babies... Everything} said...

I've been "epic-failing" left, right and centre these days... it's normal, right? :)
Your son is HILARIOUS too.... that certainly is one hell of a blue steel. xx

Diminishing Lucy said...

Bern, I am in the same crap failer boat.

How about forgetting to pay the health insurance? And then wondering why husband is totally fucked off and in debt when he comes back from the dentist?

I cannot tell you all my fails. There are millions.

I am feeling like a dud currently.


Sparkly Tiara said...

*raises hand guiltily*

I've had such an embarassing epic fail this week that I can't bring myself to admit what it was, but ZOMG, I know what you mean! You still post the coolest pics on FB, so that totally makes up for any slips on kiddie TV monitoring, lol!

Mañana Mama said...

Hah, great post. One that really resonates with my deep-seated Lutheran guilt...that said you sound like one busy lady to me, so I reckon all this is excusable (who knows, maybe tax deductible???)

I am a repeat appointment offender, which is to say that I schedule things in and then blow them off completely (not intentional flakery, just forgetting).

Thanks for stopping by MM via the weekend rewind - lovely to discover your blog - now following :)

MultipleMum said...

You got me in one! Oh. You were talking about you?

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