Monday, February 13, 2012


Geez kids are good writing fodder but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish mine were a little more, well, vanilla.

Here’s the thing. You think you instil all kinds of ideals in your kids as they are growing up. You try and you do your best to make sure they are polite. That they brush their teeth. You teach them not to pick their bums and eat their snot in front of the general public and then you push them into the big wide world of school and hope to God there is nothing you’ve forgotten to make clear. 

For instance. 


So Jack has only been at ‘big’ school a week. One frickin week and already the other parents are using their high pitched voices and saying “OOhhhh, so THIS is Jack” Lucy, Amelia, Isobel etc etc hasn’t stopped talking about him”.  Then “You know he’s been getting bites of icypoles in exchange for kisses don’t you?” Um. No. No I didn’t. Because if I did, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A DOLLAR TO BUY HIS OWN.

So yeah, seems after he was knocked back after just simply ASKING for a bite of an ice block, he thought he might negotiate. And negotiate with the only currency he was sent to this great earth with, his charm. He offered a kiss. She accepted. BINGO, iceblock secured.  

Lucy’s mum was pretty cool about it but suggested that I give him a dollar for the canteen next time. I, blushing, nodded and sat Jack down for a little talk.



You know, sometimes I think Jack is about 11 years before his time. It’s like he was born riding a motorbike and rolling his own cigarettes.

So it was Friday, end of the week.  Not only that, it was just about time for the ‘Meet the other Prep Parents/Teacher night’. I rocked up to find Jack helping ‘Suze’ as he called her, set up for the night. There was good beer and Champagne in piccolos on ice – how very civilised!  That’s when I got the nod from Jack’s teacher to follow her. My heart sank.  

“We need to have a chat about Jack’s behaviour when you get a chance”

“Is now a good time?” Me, hoping against hope that it was a completely shit time.

“Oh sure, well it’s not really in class, just something one of the girl’s mums said to me” And that's when she mouthed and simultaneously mimed, “Pulling his pants down” She then said in a too friendly voice “How about I email you hmmm?”. 

And I never did get to taste the Piccolo Champagne.

So today, I get an email outlining a few incidences where Jack decided he might just take his pants down as what I wish was an attempt at being the subject for some  nude life drawing as opposed to what it really was – proudly showing off his doodle.

Yeah, so this is hearsay, no adult actually saw this, but apparently the evidence is pretty damning. And when confronted, he cracked. I asked him simply what he was tyring to do. His response?  “I was just trying to make magic!”  

So tonight I penned a response to an email I never imagined getting. And then we sat down with Jack and had the talk. The stop being a dirty little perve talk. Not in so many words, but we did have to recognise that he does have a little bit of an obsession with girls and kissing.  Which I know, I know, is normal and healthy but yeah, if I had a 5 year old daughter and she was being confronted with that kind of junk (pun intended) at school, I’d be a little freaked out too. 

So, yeah, out of all the things I thought I had prepared my children for, this wasn't one of them. Maybe I’m getting all this in reverse and he’ll be a model teenager. Feel free to laugh at me.

Oh and Happy St Valentine’s Day. Whether you believe in it or not, it doesn't hurt to spread a little love...

Butter. Contrary to everything, it certainly DOES melt in his mouth.


Carly Findlay said...

Jack is gold and I bet he's gonna be famous when he grows up

Nathalie Brown said...

Laughed and laughed can't wait to meet him he will get on fab with my Mr 6. :)

Twitchy said...

Way to make an impression, Mr Magic Pants! There's nothing vanilla about your family- that *isn't* how his mum met his dad?! Anyway now I'm wondering what it is about this post that's convinced Nathalie your boys would get along so fab? Hmmm... Lock up your daughters :P

Mum on the Run said...

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.

Character. The boy has character.
And balls - which I'm sure he let the girls know too.

How cute is that innocent face??
:-) x

Diminishing Lucy said...

Hahhahah. Jeeez, Bern he is cute.

I just relayed the whole tale to Lexie and she wants him in her class please? Then she shoved her nude bum in my face & waggled it and told me that she has a magic bum bum.

The mind boggles.


Kylie L said...

Geeze, he's working the hair.

Bern, he clearly likes his pants around his feet. Stop playing so much Nickleback, and problem solved. My pleasure.

Smudgeblurr said...

Love Kylie L's suggestion! Great post Bern - cracked me up!
Reminds me of the joys of teaching....

4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle said...

I'm just sooooooooo glad I'm not the only one with a pants down man. Mr 8, in front of the class, such a pleasure to have THAT chat with the teacher..

Belle Samson said...

He is a spit out of his mother's mouth isn't he??? Look at that face Berna...I have seen that look on your face as well...hehehe

He is either going to be really famous or be running his own male stripper company. Who knows, maybe his male stripper company will be really famous!

Love his work and yours.

Miss you all like crazy, maybe Jack could perform some magic and bring you all back for a visit soon.


carohutchison said...

That's brilliant! Wouldn't you rather that than having the 'he smeared snot on another kid' chat?

And he's too cute and knows it.

Love it all.

Annieb25 said...

Oh my Bern. I had one of those. The day you get the call from the mother of the 14 yo girl's mother to tell you said 14 yo girl and your said 14 yo son are partaking in a little bit (a lot) of horizontal folk dancing, that email will seem like nothing. nothing I tell you. May the force be with you. x

GourmetGirlfriend said...

Bless you Bern!
and hey the girl accepted after all...
And Annie!!!! 'horizontal folk dancing'- pissed my pants.
ok not so funny at the time i imagine!

Lisa Lintern said...

Is it just me or does he look like a very young Jack Nicholson? Little spunk rat. You've no hope Bern...none.


Making magic.... reckon my husband may have tried that line once or twice....

nicky said...

Now he's a magic cheeky monkey

~~Kallie~~ said...

I have been lucky enough so far to avoid that email however I did have to get a chat in before I got it... Mr7 has a tendency to go pant-less and he strips off in the toilet, completely... He got ribbed by older kids and with a little talk, he currently holds all that for home.

My boy sure does love being naked, Hence when I went to kiss him & close his door one night recently before I went to bed, I was confronted with naked sleeping boy on top of the covers...

Katrina from The Block said...

Hahahahaha!!! What a little ladies man! Hilarious. Great stories to tell him when he is older. It looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth!

Maxabella said...

He's just the best, Bern. I love his antics (and highjinks? What am I, 70?). Max is quite partial to a pants-down / off moment himself. I do wonder when it will be humiliating rather than the best fun ever.


PS - Carly, he already is!

NellieVaughn said...

See, this is why, if I had a child, I would want it to be a boy. I would be the sick mum who encourages this kind of behavior. I think lil' devils are great fun.

Cassandra Louise said...

“I was just trying to make magic!” Has got to be the best reason for doing anything ever, and I'm terribly sorry, but I will be laughing until the weekend!

Elisha @ Just Another Mummer said...

Bahaha thanks for sharing...